Title: Turbo
Starring:
Snails
Samuel L Jackson
A snail has dreams of participating in the Indianapolis 500.
Unfortunately, early in the movie, he is made aware that he is simply a snail and therefore will be unable to fulfil such a dream.
Samuel L Jackson’s character breaks the news to him like only Samuel L Jackson can.
“Are you a car? ARE. YOU. A CAR? WELL, STOP ACTING LIKE ONE!”
It was like Pulp Fiction all over again. Or The Negotiator. Or Changing Lanes. Oh hell, it’s Samuel L Jackson.
Powerful stuff.
After the only important thing in his life is so cruelly taken from him (The snail. Not Samuel L Jackson), he spirals into depression as his life slowly falls apart.
Through a cruel twist of fate, he is introduced to amphetamines to mask his debilitating pain.
That’s right.
Speed.
The irony almost makes you cry, doesn’t it?
To support his ever worsening drug habit, he joins a snail gang and turns to robbing banks.
Slowly.
He encounters a mysteriously beautiful dark eyed lady snail and they fall sadly in love with each other’s angst.
Slowest sex scene. Ever.
As their drug use gets worse, they find themselves sinking deeper into the quest to find that unnatural high.
They know this love affair has only one outcome, and yet they continue.
Dying together is better than living alone.
Oh dear God, here come the tears.
Until the fateful day that they decide that it was time to ride the “white pony” home.
Salt.
Blurrily watching the scene where they racked up those lines of table salt was almost too hard.
The… sniff… then they both got their straws ready… sob… leaned over together… sniff… and… and… I can’t do it!
So sad.
So very very sad!
I’m hearing Oscar whispers already.
My version?
5 extremely entertained gerbils!
The actual movie?
One gerbil, half asleep.
Turbo
