Title: All Is Lost
Starring:
Robert Redford
All is lost.
Including my appreciation for Robert Redford’s acting abilities, or choices of roles, for that matter.
Allow me to run you through this piece of cinematic brilliance crap.
Mr Redford is a lone sailor, floating around somewhere out there in the big blue.
Sometime during the night, a rogue shipping container crashes into the side of his boat, ripping a huge hole in the side.
Does this wake up our sleeping hero?
Well, no.
He wakes up the morning after, when water is gushing in through that pesky hole.
Does he then do everything he can to immediately plug said hole?
Of course not!
He waits until the water is waist-high inside his boat before deciding that would be a good course of action.
Now, for a supposed lone sailor, Mr Redford doesn’t seem to have a very good grasp of the situation, or even an idea of his emergency supplies.
No flares, no emergency beacon, not even a volleyball.
I mean seriously, anyone who’s watched a stranded at sea movie knows the first thing you pack is a bloody volleyball so you can enjoy spirited conversations and deep soul-searching questions while you’re waiting to be rescued.
Hell, I carry one around in my briefcase in case the train is running late.
Then a big storm approaches….
Drama!
Batten the hatches! Avast ye mateys! Stow the thingamajig! Have a shave! Pack your… what? Have a shave?
That’s right, Occasional Reader.
A mighty storm is fast approaching, and he does what any intrepid sailor would do in that situation.
He stops to have a shave. I kid you not.
Aaaanyway…
After abandoning ship, and floating around for a few days with a sulky old man face, he decides his only course of action when seeing a light in the distance is to light a fire.
In his life raft.
A fire.
Which of course, gets out of control and burns up his life raft.
Nice move, Redford!
He falls into the water.
Nobody comes, so he goes all limp and slips under water to (presumably) let the sea take him.
Inexplicably, he sinks like a stone immediately, looking suspiciously like he’s holding his breath.
Now I’m no expert, but I would think that if you have given up on life and decide you’re ready to meet your maker by drowning, the first thing you do when under water is take a deep breath.
So anyway, he sinks into the darkness of the ocean…
I’m not going to tell you the rest, so if you watch it you’ll be just as disappointed as me with the stupid ending where he gets rescued at the last minute… Spoiler alert, right there.
One very wet gerbil.
All Is Lost
